April Showers

When two police officers stood in my living room just after midnight on March 1st to tell me my son had taken his life a few hours before, I doubled over to my knees. I groaned, but my voice had lost all power.  I kept saying "no" over and over. I repeated it and added "he's my baby boy," thinking it would somehow make him appear in my living room. What I did not do was cry. There were just no tears. None. I instantly thought "Does this mean I don't love him? Why am I not crying?"  I know now why I didn't cry. I think my body wasn't ready. I think my body knew how much I would cry once reality set in, once the officers left and Brad and I stood in our living room in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Once I called Enzo's biological sister. Once I called his chosen sisters. Once I called my parents. Once I called my boss.  March 28th marked one month without my son. I had mentally prepared for the day. I carried my crystal. I was ...

 The Letter I Read at Enzo's Memorial When you lose a loved one, every always says “so in so was different. So in so was unique and special.” And they are right, but when I say that about Enzo- there’s something deeper behind that. There’s something beyond just saying he is different and unique. Enzo operated on a different frequency than everyone else. He experienced earth, relationships, love and all of life in another dimension. Each of us are limited by our conscience and Enzo strived to go beyond his. Enzo felt restrained and held back by his own body. He wanted to taste life outside of what his mental capacity would allow, and he expressed his feelings and thoughts on that often. We discussed parallel universes and timelines outside what we are experiencing right now. These discussions were foreign to me. I had never thought about life other than what it is. Just life. At first, I listen to him in silence but as these conversations happened more and more, and I started list...

 For weeks I felt something, sensed something. A premonition? A sense of dread? I don't know how to describe it. I did not mention to anyone. How do you do that anyway? "Hey, so I've been feeling like something absolutely terrible is coming. What do you think that is?"  Everyone would have said "I mean, ok, but that's probably nothing. Just pray," or whatever you say to someone that feels a sense of horrible awfulness.  On Monday, something was off. I felt a deep hurt in my stomach. Maybe I was getting sick? I was in the bathroom a lot that day. I had several thoughts.  "This doesn't feel like a bug. It's something else. It's weird. I've never felt this before, but I definitely do not feel good." I had no idea it was connected to the premonition, the gut feeling that something was coming that would ruin me, devastate me. These are not thoughts you say out loud. Ever. Looking back, over a week later, I know. The dread I felt for ...