April Showers

 Enzo set up Tweets to go out for 6 months after his death. While this is morbid and it absolutely destroys me to read them when they go out, it's also VERY Enzo. He talked about this very thing with Brad and I several times, about how funny it would be and controversial. The conversation always ended with "No, but really...." as if to indicate it could happen. For awhile these Tweets became my life. Every notification from Twitter sent me into a tail spin of emotions and panic attacks. That's subsided, thank the universe. Now I read them with the weight of everything on me. I know what most of them say because those closest to him saw the Tweets he set up just a few days after he took his life. So it's nothing I haven't seen already, but the words going out into the void of the internet- it's shocking. My son is still talking after his death. Seeing his thoughts after he's gone, there are no words for that.  "My body is gone, but my spirit remain...

I've been reading the book "The Body Keeps the Score." The entire book I've thought about Enzo and the Why? behind his suicide.  The answer is very clear. Stark. Loud. Screaming, yet a hateful whisper. It's a tortured sound with no actual noise. It's sinister and abhorrent in the ugly truth that it tells. If you knew Enzo well enough, you know instantly what it is. I'm not making allegations, I'm telling my son's story when people ask me why. If you want to know, you can simply read the book. Enzo's story is in there, between the lines and revelations of what trauma does to your body and mind.  It's inside this book I've seen what he was trying to say, I can hear the voices, the suicidal thoughts that haunted him and kept coming back, over and over. I understand now how it was impossible for him to control or conquer those thoughts. He didn't have the right tools. And my soul breaks, it mourns in an entirely new way that only a hand...