April Showers

I think anyone whose suffers tremendous loss can say life is split in two: before and after.  Oh, that was before. Well, after I lost my son... I remember because it was 5 weeks after. I bought this dress before they died. They never got to see this shirt. This trip was 1 year before we lost her. And on and on. I've bought 5 bottles of hairspray since Enzo died. I know this because everytime I have to buy something, even as simple as deodorant, I feel like it takes me further away from the last hug, the last time I saw him. I desperately want to hold on to everything I had when he was alive as a way of holding onto him. I guess I can understand why some people start hoarding after tragedy.  It's stupid stuff. Shampoo bottles. My razor. Shoes. Eyeliner. Everything I own is split into one of two places: before or after.  Yet, the things that should be more meaningful and sentimental, I can't bring myself to look at. Like the socks I bought for him that he had in his suitcas...

My support group asked the question:  What's a new rule your family has since losing your loved one to suicide?    You mean that's normal? That's ok? It's not a negative thing we have to eventually give up doing?  Because now, we can all check on each other via Life360. Anytime, just see where we all are. We very rarely call or text to ask "where are you?" bc we can look. We can see each other, though we are miles apart.  Enzo refused to be part of Life360. He didn't want us to know his location. We would've been alarmed at his unusual activities I think, and he knew that. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I believe.  Now, it's not so much an option anymore. We're all on Life360 and I check on my family several times a day. We respond quicker to missed calls and texts.  New rules created in your family after a traumatic loss are not bad. It's normal. And I'm so glad to learn that. 

The support group I attend mentioned that journaling could help during grief. They also said writing down all the awful, terrible things you can't say out loud, then burning it, is therapeutic. I plan to try that soon. I have awful, terrible things I need to say, to acknowledge. But I can't say them. I can't put them down here, in a blog.  The support group, while exhausting, is exactly what I need. The things I think about are being discussed. I'm not crazy. I'm not out of control. It's ok that I'm not as social right now. And there are others that hurt like I am, but that's just it. I'm hurting. I'm not suffering.  I was suffering the weeks following Enzo's suicide. Pain is a healthy, normal response. It hurts but it's not wrong. It will soften over time.  Suffering is extra. Added. Expanded. Suffering doesn't soften. It gets worse until it's interrupted. It must be changed.  I suffered. And then I started counseling. I started ...

I've been avoiding the grocery store. I knew I was doing it, but I think I understand why now. That's been a big deal for me, knowing the "why" behind the decisions I make as this new person. I used to LOVE the grocery store, the shopping, running into people I know and having a quick chat. I'm a social person and I loved everything about shopping and being out. I would plan an entire day to just be out and about; visiting my favorite shops, smiling at strangers. It was soothing to me. The way some people want to be home, I wanted to be out. Just out. Just going and doing things.  But over the last several weeks, Brad and I have gone without food to cook. I've simply sat in my chair, my stomach aching with hunger and I just... sat there. After awhile, we would order food to be delivered or Brad would grab something on his way home. I would rather spend $1,000 on a single meal than go to the grocery store. I would do anything to NOT go. Why? Why the sudden chan...