I've noticed something in the last week.
I've been trauma dumping on a couple of acquaintances. Not my friends, these are people I don't know very well and I'm spilling my guts to them about my grief. I instantly recognized it and knew it was very unhealthy. I think it's my way of protecting my friendships and family relationships, I don't want to burden my loved ones and friends, so I've overshared with people that know the situation, but don't know ME that well.
In case you might not know: trauma dumping is unlike venting. According to Google, it's "sharing trauma without permission, in an inappropriate place and time, to someone who may not have the capacity to process it."
The second time I did it, I walked away in shame. Thoughts bombarded me like "I can't even grieve correctly. Why can't I control this? What's wrong with me? Why am I such a complete fuck up? Get your shit together, April." Easy to recognize these thoughts as negative and untrue when YOU, the reader, see them, but as they fly around in MY head like a tennis shoe in a dyer, making an awful noise and slamming against every single aspect of your brain, it's not so easy.
One thought kept following me like a hound dog on the hunt for an escaped inmate.
"Can you do anything right? ANYTHING? Anything at all, April. Can you do one thing right? You obviously couldn't do enough for Enzo." Again, I hope these thoughts are untrue and an exaggeration, but recognizing that in the midst of so much hurt is very hard to do.
So, can I? Can I do anything right? I decided to dissect that thought. What have I done that's good, positive or what can I consider "the right thing to do" that caused me to take action?
My first thought was the bitch barn. I've poured myself into this project. The last owners of our house had a shed put in the back yard. It was sewing room. It has electricity already set up and it's a sturdy building. Solid, but in need of some repairs. The ceiling leaks, the door is missing the bottom half, two windows are busted, the floor is terrible. All these things, I can't fix on my own. So I hired a contractor. Thank god I had a budget and the monetary means to do this, I know not everyone has that.
I picked out new flooring, I spent days selecting decorations, and bought whatever the HELL I want for my bitch barn (it's basically a she shed but I hate that term). The outside already has a cute, vintage feel to it, so I decided to highlight that aspect.
Once complete, this will be a place for me to hang out, drink vodka, meditate, and simply work on soothing my wounded spirit. It's been a very positive experience. It's one thing I've done that was good.
Next, I started a workbook. All those negative thoughts don't just magically go away. So what do I do about that? The answer literally walked in the door of my office. A member of our local Rotary brought by several copies of "The CBT Workbook for Mental Health" and told me to pass them out to clients that could use them. I don't like to give out any materials that I haven't thoroughly investigated myself, so I opened one and started reading.
What happened next transformed my mental state in just 24 hours. No, it's not FIXED, but I have the tools to works towards fixing my mental health now. I tried some of the exercises and used one thought that had caused me a LOT of pain lately. It worked.
It's a slow process and I've just started, but I felt like this Rotary member had handed me a tool box for my brain. Then, she said something that has stuck to me like glue on a 2nd graders fingers.
I shared with her how I can't find grief counseling. With no insurance, I can't afford the expensive places and there is a 1 year wait for income based counseling.
"You don't need counseling, April."
Her words stunned me. I'm sure I had a physical reaction. "What do you mean," I asked. Of course I need counseling! I'm dying on the inside, I'm hurting, I hate my life, I've lost my passion! What the hell!?!? I was instantly upset (which by the way, is also a trauma/grief response that I needed to address).
"Give it one year. If you haven't progressed in one year, that's when you know you need counseling. Right now, you're suppose to be going through all these emotions. You have to process and walk through this. You can't skip it. You seem to be trying to go AROUND grief."
The anger melted like ice cream in the middle of June. It dripped away. She was right. I had not considered that perspective. To acknowledge how correct she was, that was a positive thing for me.
So I've stopped seeking counseling for now. I have to go THROUGH this. Not around, not over, not under, not rushed, not stopping- I have to buck up and walk through it. So I've started figuratively walking through it.
In the past 24 hours, I've let out the anguish when it pops up, mostly in the form of the most bitter tears a person can cry. A few screams, too. Whatever it takes, I must go through this, because the day WILL come when I'm able to say "I'm better because of this. I'm an advocate for suicide awareness now. I will make something positive come from this if it takes the rest of my life to do it."
This is exactly how Enzo would've told me to handle this. I can hear those words in HIS voice, not mine.
The last thing I've recognized as a good thing: starting to meditate and attending a holistic healing experience. Last week, I laid on the table as two people addressed the energy around me and spoke some things they were feeling from me. It was exactly right. It was moving. It was emotional. One of them revealed something to me she couldn't have known without something telling her. The best part for me, there was no religion in this experience at all. It was simply a healing energy, a comforting experience, a vital need in my life being met.
I've meditated twice in my life, both of them in the last 3 weeks after Enzo died. Again, this is not a religious experience. I've done the whole "pray while pacing the floor, demand things from god, and quote scriptures from the Bible."
I don't do that anymore. I don't try to control my emotions with prayer, I work to MANAGE them now with meditation and the new workbook. Life altering difference right there, however, both of the meditation times were SO powerful, so deep, and so expressive, soul stirring, impactful, so efficient, I couldn't do it again for several days. Enzo spent years trying to get me to meditate and I always told him no. Coming from what I consider a traumatic, religious upbringing, I didn't want anything to do with it. I wish I could see him and how proud I know he is that I've stepped into meditation.
So here I am, managing emotions and negative thoughts, almost combatting them with these 3 things I've done that are positive and good for me. I've answered my own question- yes, I can do something right. All of these things are right for me. FOR ME- catch that part. It might not be good for someone else, but this is my pathway to making it THROUGH this grief.
This isn't a journey I would've chosen. No one would. But I'm here. I'm doing some things wrong, probably very wrong. Some choices are not healthy, I know that. But I've also made some good choices, some positive and right choices. Life is a balance and, apparently, so is grief. I'll fuck up again, but I'll also do more things that are good for me. I won't let the bad choices take me down and neither will I let the good choices make me think I'm superior, however, I WILL continue to share and hope my thoughts on grief help someone else.
Maybe telling the world how much I hurt over the loss of my son will cause someone to pause as they consider suicide. If that ever happens, all these words are worth the effort. This blog would be worth the time I take to write it.
I hope that happens.
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