Dear April,
Its that time of year! You love it, don't you?! It's exciting; deadlines to met, students enrolling, and lots of places to be! The hustle and bustle of back to school is reminiscent of the holiday season. The rush with one goal in mind.
But this year is different and you're keeping yourself laser focused on WHY this year is more difficult instead of just letting it be.
So let's talk.
Listen, it's ok that you can't handle as big of a mental load right right but it's not ok for you to degrade yourself because you are struggling. This is a season with more to do, but you have to acknowledge that you have an extra heavy load this time around.
It's the year of firsts for you. Allow that. Let that happen. Take an extra hour when you get home to sit. No, I mean JUST SIT.
Your brain is trying to restructure after suffering something it does not know how to fix.
Right now, your mind is grappling with loss. It's desperately trying to connect to something. It's ok that you forget some stuff.
Others might not get it, but if they did get it- it would mean they suffered the same loss. So let people wonder why you can't keep your brain on track all the time.
As much as you hate acknowledging it- And I get why, it has a bad wrap- you have ADHD. Sometimes, things are difficult because of that, but that shit has messed with you your whole life. You've earned the right to say it affects your daily life.
One of the treatments for ADHD is talk therapy. Isn't that what this blog is? Isn't that what your Tiktok is? Your Instagram and especially your Twitter? That's all talk therapy, right? Just because a psychiatrist isn't listening does not mean it's invalid.
So you are, without knowing it, coping. You are finding ways to grieve, ways to deal with a loss that, by all standards, should be nonexistent.
So accept that right now you have a lot going on:
Type 1 diabetes
ADHD
It's hustle season
Grief over your son's suicide
Double vision all the time from your right eye
AND Pre-menopause symptoms (yes honey, you're old enough to have it)
So that's the deal. None of that's going away. Deal with it AND understand it means you cannot function at peak performance right now. No one dislikes you BECAUSE of that.
Your husband adores you- with high & low blood sugar. Your mental state isn't the thermostat for his love.
Your daughters love you. Your youngest, girl, do you realize how much she's contacting you? That wild child loves her Momma and is reaching for her.
And Shauna? You can't type her name without crying, can you? She's about to be your ACTUAL daughter. Is there anything more humbling than that? That's a LOT of love.
It's ok that your brain needs more processing time. For now. It's not permanent. It's for now.
The fact that you're hoping all these things help you cope and learning appropriate ways to do that- that means you're progressing. You're not stuck, you're not at a stand still.
You are not, however, letting yourself be ok with all this.
Generally speaking, you don't even like April, so why are you expecting so much from her right now?
Get mad. Be mad all you want at that last sentence. Anger is good. You're mad because Enzo was the one to keep pushing you to reach new heights and now that he's gone, you have to do it yourself. After all, you can't just STOP evolving, can you?
It was easier when he was here, yes. You're not used to it, but damn, wouldn't your boy love to see this? Wouldn't he love how you've learn to put down all the stale, useless, wrong and unhealthy things you carried your whole life?
Girl, with all this going on, stop beating yourself up so much.
Yes, keep going
Yes, do your best
Yes, get out of bed
Yes, take a deep breath
Yes, give yourself more time
No, it has NOT "been long enough "
Do not listen to that
Do not put grief on a timeline. Especially YOUR timeline. You're not exactly known for making good, personal decisions anyway.
So if you need a little more alcohol during the work week, that's ok.
If you need to scream, do it.
If you need to say no sometimes to protect your mental space, it's ok.
If you're hurting while helping parents with their kids that are still alive, it's ok.
It's hard to be around people your son's age right now. Acknowledge those feelings. It doesn't make you a bad person.
You will not, from this moment forward, be consumed with what others are thinking about you.
Let the world move.
You can just be for now.
The world moving on without Enzo is why you feel so out of control.
You're still in the "this isn't real" stages of this journey.
When you no longer ask the mirror every morning "is this real, this can't be real?" then you can try the next stage, whatever it may be.
Your part in this is simple: cope the best you can in the healthiest way you can. That's it.
That... and maybe start going for a walk.
With Love,
You
Its that time of year! You love it, don't you?! It's exciting; deadlines to met, students enrolling, and lots of places to be! The hustle and bustle of back to school is reminiscent of the holiday season. The rush with one goal in mind.
But this year is different and you're keeping yourself laser focused on WHY this year is more difficult instead of just letting it be.
So let's talk.
Listen, it's ok that you can't handle as big of a mental load right right but it's not ok for you to degrade yourself because you are struggling. This is a season with more to do, but you have to acknowledge that you have an extra heavy load this time around.
It's the year of firsts for you. Allow that. Let that happen. Take an extra hour when you get home to sit. No, I mean JUST SIT.
Your brain is trying to restructure after suffering something it does not know how to fix.
Right now, your mind is grappling with loss. It's desperately trying to connect to something. It's ok that you forget some stuff.
Others might not get it, but if they did get it- it would mean they suffered the same loss. So let people wonder why you can't keep your brain on track all the time.
As much as you hate acknowledging it- And I get why, it has a bad wrap- you have ADHD. Sometimes, things are difficult because of that, but that shit has messed with you your whole life. You've earned the right to say it affects your daily life.
One of the treatments for ADHD is talk therapy. Isn't that what this blog is? Isn't that what your Tiktok is? Your Instagram and especially your Twitter? That's all talk therapy, right? Just because a psychiatrist isn't listening does not mean it's invalid.
So you are, without knowing it, coping. You are finding ways to grieve, ways to deal with a loss that, by all standards, should be nonexistent.
So accept that right now you have a lot going on:
Type 1 diabetes
ADHD
It's hustle season
Grief over your son's suicide
Double vision all the time from your right eye
AND Pre-menopause symptoms (yes honey, you're old enough to have it)
So that's the deal. None of that's going away. Deal with it AND understand it means you cannot function at peak performance right now. No one dislikes you BECAUSE of that.
Your husband adores you- with high & low blood sugar. Your mental state isn't the thermostat for his love.
Your daughters love you. Your youngest, girl, do you realize how much she's contacting you? That wild child loves her Momma and is reaching for her.
And Shauna? You can't type her name without crying, can you? She's about to be your ACTUAL daughter. Is there anything more humbling than that? That's a LOT of love.
It's ok that your brain needs more processing time. For now. It's not permanent. It's for now.
The fact that you're hoping all these things help you cope and learning appropriate ways to do that- that means you're progressing. You're not stuck, you're not at a stand still.
You are not, however, letting yourself be ok with all this.
Generally speaking, you don't even like April, so why are you expecting so much from her right now?
Get mad. Be mad all you want at that last sentence. Anger is good. You're mad because Enzo was the one to keep pushing you to reach new heights and now that he's gone, you have to do it yourself. After all, you can't just STOP evolving, can you?
It was easier when he was here, yes. You're not used to it, but damn, wouldn't your boy love to see this? Wouldn't he love how you've learn to put down all the stale, useless, wrong and unhealthy things you carried your whole life?
Girl, with all this going on, stop beating yourself up so much.
Yes, keep going
Yes, do your best
Yes, get out of bed
Yes, take a deep breath
Yes, give yourself more time
No, it has NOT "been long enough "
Do not listen to that
Do not put grief on a timeline. Especially YOUR timeline. You're not exactly known for making good, personal decisions anyway.
So if you need a little more alcohol during the work week, that's ok.
If you need to scream, do it.
If you need to say no sometimes to protect your mental space, it's ok.
If you're hurting while helping parents with their kids that are still alive, it's ok.
It's hard to be around people your son's age right now. Acknowledge those feelings. It doesn't make you a bad person.
You will not, from this moment forward, be consumed with what others are thinking about you.
Let the world move.
You can just be for now.
The world moving on without Enzo is why you feel so out of control.
You're still in the "this isn't real" stages of this journey.
When you no longer ask the mirror every morning "is this real, this can't be real?" then you can try the next stage, whatever it may be.
Your part in this is simple: cope the best you can in the healthiest way you can. That's it.
That... and maybe start going for a walk.
With Love,
You
Comments
Post a Comment