the secret gift

I rarely see my mom. That's by my choice. I choose that for my peace. 

While many people don't understand that, it's ok. You don't have to understand. She's my mother, not yours (unless you're my sister). 

I've spent years placing healthy boundaries, limits, and "do not cross" lines with my mom. Most of the time, she ignores, disregards, or completely dodges them, so I learned to only see her on my terms and that's it. 

My car. 

My time. 

I'm in control so I can leave when and if I need. 

There is no invitation to my house because I can't physically force her to leave. This is how I avoid being gaslighted and manipulated into uncomfortable topics, forced into discussions on our different beliefs and avoid her constant, NON STOP negative talk about everything and everyone. 

A year has gone by. So I decided to see her, to gauge if my hard work of healing is working. 

She tested me within 5 minutes. 

"Isn't Mother's Day coming up?" She asks innocently as she gets in my truck. 

"Yeah. It's Sunday," I respond with no emotion, no judgement. 

My mom, who claims she can't remember to take her medications, can't pay her bills, can not drive because she "gets lost" calling family in a crisis, screaming and crying & pretended she didn't when we bring it up: my mom, whose entire retirement plan was to spend her money frivolously bc "I'll just live with one of my daughters. The Bible requires they take care of me:" my mother, who has told half truths, full lies, spoke to me in a demeaning manner my whole life, and physically assaulted me many times- can certainly remember when she should be getting a gift. 

It's always been this way. She would go on for months before Mother's Day about what she wanted and anything we gave her, even if she asked for it, she responded with thinly veiled disdain. As a child my thought was always "why does she seem so disappointed? I did something for her. I respected her. Why isn't it enough?"

I was too young then to see: it's NEVER enough for my mom. No amount of time, gifts, words of affirmation, hugs- none of it was enough for her. I'm not enough. I wasn't then, I'm not now. 

The difference now: I'm ok with not being enough. I'm ok with her constant disappointment in everything I do. I'm not a child anymore. 

So my "yeah, It's Sunday" was flat. And that was ok with me. 

"Oh. Well, I knew it was soon. I just wondered... I thought that, I don't know...."

When I didn't offer any words of hope for a present or respond in any way, she stopped. 

I changed the subject to ask where we could eat and Mother's Day didn't come up again. 

I couldn't help but notice, she never brought up MY Mother's Day and didn't mention how difficult it must be since Enzo died. What you DON'T say can speak quite loudly. It did on this day. 

I know, as a mom, I would grieve WITH my child. I would BE with my child. I would support them, not question in ANY capacity what THEY might do for ME. 

She wanted a gift, a token, something to recognize her parenting, but couldn't even say "I'm sorry" on what is my second Mother's Day without my son. My grief can't offer HER anything, so it's not discussed. 

Normally, these things send me into a tail spin. I'm angry for days, I simmer and boil over with hate for her selfishness and unavailability. But that didn't happen this time. She's never put others first. Why should I expect it now? 

I spent 3 full hours with her and took her home when I had reached my emotional capacity. She was, as always will be, completely unaware of any of my feelings or thoughts, unaware I must prepare for WEEKS in advance to spend any time with her at all. 

I left her. I went home. 

It was Thursday. 

Instead of my fight response activating, I didn't think bout it again until until today, Sunday. 

I texted her a simple Happy Mother's Day. 

She responded politely, but I know she also made a mental note I did nothing else for her and when the time is right for her to benefit in a conversation, it will be brought up. She never forgets when special occasions don't produce her desired results and has mentioned multiple times the year I didn't buy a gift for her birthday. It was about 20 years ago. 

I'm ok with that because I know my answer will be "I had lunch with you on Thursday and said Happy Mother's Day. That's all I can offer while our relationship is fragile."

Beyond that, it's a her problem, not me. 

And THAT is a fucking incredible gift to give myself on this 2nd Mother's Day without Enzo. 

Enzo spent years teaching me ever so patiently how to set kind, yet firm boundaries. I didn't realize at the time- it was a secret gift he was giving me. 

He's been gone 15 months & I'm still discovering gifts from him. 

I'm definitely making progress on this journey. I see it.