April Showers

Noah Kahan's Call Your Mom is the song.  You know what I mean. After you lose someone you love, there's THE song, the one you love to hate. It brings so much pain, so much healing.  It sings to your soul, nourishing you in ways you didn't know you needed, yet it pours an ocean of salt into the deepest of wounds. Enzo used to call me when he was incredibly depressed. We talked for hours. Many times. I lost count how many times he called me in a major depressive episode. It's these phone calls I think about when the shadows whisper "you didn't do enough."  Yes. Yes, I did. It wasn't enough, but I made sure that boy knew he was loved. He always will be.  I'm forever his Momma.  call your mom

So much has changed for me in the 15 months: I hate being around people, I no longer enjoy shopping, going places with friends, or even going out to eat like I once did. It does seem to all revolve around social things, but I don't think it's a bad thing to want to simply be home. I mean, I spend way less money for sure and it's worked in my favor more than once. I had absolutely NO intentions of staying friends with a group of people from my former job. They ended up being upset with me and stopped talking to me.  Nice. Problem solved. I didn't have to ghost them, the friendships simply dissolved.  I tried to join a play two nights ago. The whole thing felt off, weird, not right. I don't know exactly why, but I hated every second I was at rehearsals. After tonight, I realized the "why" doesn't matter, I just needed to quit. So I did.  And it felt amazing.  Therapy is a big reason I can do these things now. Things like not give two shits when people ge...