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last night

Last night, my little place was full. The Bitch Barn was packed with my kids and their significant others. Me, Keirsey, Ami, Shauna and Josh. 
It was good conversation. It was healthy and relaxing. We had great conversation and just enjoyed each other company. It was a great evening. 

I took several moments to think about what this night really represented. My family: my daughter and her same sex fiancé, my oldest and her boyfriend- both healthy relationships. And all of us sitting together, just being a family. I've been through tough times with both my daughters. It's been an incredibly difficult journey, getting to this place. We went months without speaking. My daughters spent months unable to be around each other. We've grown, we've learned, we've compromised, we've worked to overcome our own individual trauma to have solid, healthy, reassuring, family relationships- the very things every human longs for. There is no drama, no "we don't talk about THAT." Screw that. We discuss it and figure out. 

It was quite the moment, last night. It might not last. We will, no doubt, have struggles, disagree, have heated conversations, but we've learned how to experience all that and still, in the end, come together as family. We've come full circle before, we can do it again. And again. And again. 

I'm so grateful for moments like last night. I've spent my whole life working to become a healthy person and seeing my children becoming healthy people with vibrant, thriving relationships and an ability to participate in life and enjoy it. 

Just as clear as this was last night, it was also just as obvious: a missing piece. 
Enzo. 

Enzo wasn't here last night because of insufficient healthy connections in his life. He was very clear with our family; we were the only healthy relationships in his life. He discussed it many times. It's why he desired to be a part of our family so much. While I didn't see it then and told him "you're mistaken. We're all so fucked up," I know now what he saw. He picked up on our family's willingness to work through the shit. 
Last night was the moment Enzo knew all along would happen and believe he was with us. 

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