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black shiny shoes

There are days when I simply dwell on the moment two officers stepped inside my home and said "I'm afraid we have bad news." 
I just sit and think of that exact time over and over.

Hours passed in those 5 or 6 seconds.
I lost every family member in my life and tried to decide how to respond in those moments. 
I moved thru each one with decisiveness and thought of the next steps after they said a name.

And yet I waited.

I waited what felt like an entire lifetime.
My soul screamed violently. 
"JUST FUCKING SAY IT" 
but even that took a lifetime.

"Do you know Josiah Brooks?" 

Oh God.

"That's our son" my husband replied instantly. He understood how long those moments were. 
I was dialed in on the officer's black shiny shoes. I could not take my eyes off of them. I felt myself leave my body. 
"You can't be here for this"
I felt it more than heard it.

Don't say it. 
I don't want to hear this. 

"We're sorry to tell you he's passed away."

Ever so often, I relive this moment over and over. I examine it from every angle. 
I look at it. 

Sometimes, I cry. Uncontrolled. Other times, I just stare at it. Like I did with those black shiny shoes. I just stare. 


Another 100 hours pass before we can ask.
"What happened?"

I spend a lot of time with this moment. 
A lot. 



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