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for Matthew, and everyone we couldn't save

For anyone that may need it: 
This post has a trigger warning.I think all my blog entries probably need that, though.
💜
I had no idea what Ketamin is, then I saw yesterday where Matthew Perry died from acute effects of K. 
It is referred to as a “dissociative anesthetic hallucinogen” because it makes patients feel detached from their pain and environment.

He wasn't ok or sober, he was purposely dissociating. To cope. 

I can't imagine the agony he must've felt to do this. I experienced severe dissociation after Enzo died. Weeks of missing conversations. Time after time of "how did I get here?" 
I forgot how to get home more times than I can count. I forgot my dogs' names. One time, I was shocked to realize that for about 4 seconds I was looking for Keirsey's pacifier.
I heard a very loud, audible voice yell my name one night. I was half way across the room thinking Brad needed me when he asked me from the bed "what are you doing?" 
No one yelled my name, yet I woke up, stumbling around the bedroom yelling "I'm coming!" 
To this day, it scares me. I heard something, yet no one called me. I was hallucinating. In my sleep. 

I was terrified I had some sort of onset traumatic alzheimers or acute dementia. I don't even know if that's a thing, but I was scared of it. I told Brad about maybe two of these experiences.
For someone that shares everything and for the most part is a little TOO open with my thoughts and feelings, I kept this to myself. 
But I drank. 
A lot. 
I tried the "Texas green stuff"- Delta 8 and all the variants of it. 
I still kept disassociating. 

It took awhile but I stopped doing harmful things and each time I realized I had disassociated, I said to myself "my brain's connections have been ripped out from the roots, torn up & they are seeking to rewire, reconnect. There are millions of connections and it's impossible to rewire the exact same way as before this event." That phrase was my mantra. I said it constantly. 
For someone that struggles to control my emotions and speaks before thinking, I was quite scientific and methodical when doing this.

It worked. I got better day after day, month after month.

To know that Matthew Perry did this on purpose to get away from his pain, I'm struck in the gut by that. 
It was, besides the moment I learned about Enzo's death, the worst and most awful thing I've experienced. To forget like that? It's horrifying. 

I'm so saddened by this news. He was so loved & that couldn't save him.
I hope you found rest, Friend. 
Tonight I'm sad.

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