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My goodness

I have no poetic resolution. I hate resolutions. I've never done them and never will. I know April better than that, to think I will make a whole year with one new habit just because the sun finished a rotation. Gag.

Even deep in my Evangelical days, I never did it. I certaintly would fake it when the youth pastor wanted us to write down our goals or give a list of how we would do better as a Christian "this year." Bullshit. It was all bullshit. 

Even as I wrote it down or even worse *told people* I knew it wouldn't stick, so I never felt bad when I didn't succeed. No goal, no disappointment, right? 
I ain't gonna stop masterbating or thinking about sex. God and I both know that. I won't read my Bible more. I won't stop rolling my eyes at my mom or cussing her out quietly in the closet after being told how less I am. I won't have a longer prayer time, or hell, a prayer time at all. That's not changing so I will not lie to myself and say it will.

So yeah, no resolution. But I do have an idea I want to focus on more. I have a good thing I want to work on for no one else but me. I simply want to think more highly of myself instead of thinking anything good in me is somehow bad. 

It's easy to see where this comes from. I was never good enough for my mother, for church, or from what that church taught me, for God. It was never enough. Nothing I did was right. I was constantly corrected and told "why can't you just be better?" Two separate teachers compared me to my older sister, who excelled in school. I didn't. Comparison was everywhere in my life.

So at 40 something years old, I'm sensitive to this. I feel less than ALL THE TIME. 
After a gnarly experience a few weeks into 2023, what self esteem I did have took a pretty big blow, but I couldn't keep saying "it's my fault. I'm sorry" ALL THE TIME. 
I was in the darkest place of my life by the end of the year.

So going into 2024, I just want to acknowledge the good in me. It's not because of any religion. It's not Brad's. It's nothing I was taught or learned. I just want to be a good person. That, and JUST THAT makes me a good person. 

I'm a good person. I acknowledge that. I hope to carry this into the new year. 
That's all. 

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